Mancow Waterboarded: Says Anything To Get Liberals To Stop

by Danny Crosby

It took 6 agonizing seconds, but he finally broke.

That’s right. According to the prevailing degeneracy at MSNBC, waterboarding was discovered to be torture when a radio talk show host associated with its competitor, Fox News, was "captured" and subjected to an experimental session of waterboarding until he confessed that it was indeed torture.

The rendition of Enhanced Insinuation Technique used on this hardened lover of torture, has finally proven that even the most stubborn detainee associated with conservatism by liberals, no matter how remotely, will confess to being tortured if you tell him to say it is torture while waterboarding him.

Isn't waterboarding supposed to be ineffective?

Continuing to define itself as the ugly, weird, mean liberal kid in the class of cable news networks, MSNBC, with the help of its angriest reprobate and perpetual ratings subordinate, Keith Olbermann, has made an unprecedented discovery yielded through the use of waterboarding.

Finally, after an endless journey through the nonissues of how best to save America from destruction, Jeff Zucker, President of NBC Universal, (parent company of MSNBC), is able to end his desperate search for exoneration by pinning the credibility of his theory that waterboarding is torture on the authority of, as close as possible to, a pseudo-masochistic, torture lusting neocon he can find.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the newest, undebatable authority on America's Clandestine Services:

Mancow!

Not facing certain death, (except for a runny nose), not gasping for air, (aside from some off-air flatulence), and not begging for mercy in the delusional minds of liberals everywhere, Mancow broke under pressure and was willing to say anything MSNBC wanted to hear in order to make the torture stop.

It was absolutely time-killing to watch this brazened attack on the nobility of American values. As the interrogator poured a pitcher of warm water onto the face of this innocent man, liberals everywhere felt the pain of America's founding ancestors.

And, after the 6 seconds during which Mancow was courageously unbound on a conference room table, eyes voluntarily covered, with his friends and a pizza delivery guy working part-time to pay for training as an Emergency Medical Technician attending, it finally did stop.

It was truly the most irrelevant 6 seconds in cable news media history. And, the experiment worked. He confessed.

Imagine that.

Immediately after his narrow escape from a hellish, near death experience, Mancow sat up, unassisted, from the plush oaken in-studio table, which served as the makeshift board upon whence he was tortured, and said he had indeed been tortured.

Then, after a few moments of laughter, all was found to be well with the victim. He was found to be out of danger, completely safe from drowning, and ready for a pastrami sandwich.

And, then he was asked a series of two questions by a trained interrogator doubling as an unidentified man with a microphone, “Do you want medical help?”

Risking another round of torturous water in his sinuses by not answering the way liberals wanted, he replied in an almost questioning, fearful manner, "No, I'm fine?"

And, “We’re you, or were you not, just tortured?”

Sycophants at NBC hallucinated Mancow's desperate reaction as: "Yes, it was torture. I confess. It was torture. Please make it stop. Please."

It was quite a coup. The high value of the information gained from Mancow will help the liberal establishment create policy in the interest of benefitting itself for debates to come. And, Jeff Immelt can close up his incestuous G.E. hack shop and resign comfortably knowing that the greatest question facing mankind has been answered and the evidence to prove it is finally undeniable.

But, then again, Mancow may have confessed that waterboarding is torture because he was waterboarded until he said anything to make it stop, without actually knowing that waterboarding was indeed torture.

But wait. On the other hand, Mancow may have confessed that waterboarding is torture because he actually has knowledge about what its like to be a waterboarded terrorist.

Perhaps they should have waterboarded him one more time to be sure.

Or maybe Jeff Zucker and Jeff Immelt are just a couple of idiots with no experience in modern crisis intelligence gathering methods.

Proclaiming himself an expert on how not to respond to terrorism, Obama, along with his liberal minions in the media, remain completely void of any capacity to prevent it. Throwing adjectives at Islamofascist murderers until they run out of bullets and suicide bombers is an unacceptable strategy in protecting America.

Waterboarding some disc jockey without the weight of an impending mass murder on his mind and then saying it was torture because he says so only proves one thing:

With a freakshow like MSNBC still on the air, it is obvious that the wrong people are dying for America.

And, we might be waterboarding the wrong one's too.